Living the Moment

ronen-v: Aaaaaaaalllvvviiiiinnn! (thanks for taking this,...

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:57:42 -0500

ronen-v:

Aaaaaaaalllvvviiiiinnn!

(thanks for taking this, Kapto)

Oh, this is just about the most awesome picture ever.

My world has become:

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:32:40 -0500

a one bedroom apartment

Vicodin pills and Fragmin needles

a walker and crutches

ginger ale

the bruises and swelling all up and down my thigh

pajama pants

my computer screen

movies and movies and movies and books

my imagination

Broken hip at 30

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 23:37:24 -0400

I now have some serious x-ray bling and am hopped up on an antibiotic, morphine, valium, and percaset (sp?). Whoa.

On Fear and Shame

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:14:14 -0400

When I think about my life, certain facts astound me.

It goes like this:

- I wanted to learn. But at eleven years old, when my father decided to teach me how to ride a bike, I was too embarrassed to be seen by my friends who all already knew how. So I said thanks but no thanks, wormed my way back into my room, and tucked my head into a book. I didn’t learn how to ride until I was twenty-one.

- In my late teens and early twenties, I was in a relationship that I never really wanted to be in. I said yes at eighteen because I wanted someone to buy cute anniversary gifts for, someone who would wander the back woods with me late at night. And I liked him as a person. But we didn’t really ever connect. And still, I stayed with him for years. I felt trapped, I felt discontented, but I was too afraid of the consequences. Of what people would think. Of what his face would look like when I said the words. Even, really, of the words themselves.

- I first visited Colorado when I was twenty-two, fell in love hard, and knew I had to live here some day. Still, it took me until I turned thirty to leave the East Coast. To move where I knew nobody? To a place where the streets weren’t also a historical map of my life? To a world so far from my friends and family? Terrifying.

- All throughout high school, I went to parties but rarely danced. Even when they were dance parties. Even when a really cute boy asked. Ninety percent of the time, I refused. The reason? I felt everybody staring at my body, noticing how awkwardly I moved, judging me.

- As a kid, I couldn’t even ask the man behind the counter for change. Any steop outside my daily routine - the people Iknew, the things that I’d learned were Acceptable - scared the shit out of me. Around anyone who I believed to be “cooler” than me, my body would tense up and my vocal cords would seemingly disappear. And of course, there were boys. I knew they would never like me back, that they’d make fun of me if they knew I liked them. It was better not to exist to them than to face that hurt - to seem mean and above love than to risk opening my mouth to speak.

What it all means? Sure, I eventually learned how to ride a bike. I finally broke up with that boy. I live in Colorado now. And these days, I dance everywhere - not only at parties. And I’m definitely not afraid of people anymore. (In fact, someone recently called me an extrovert and I was floored. But I guess I’ve made that transformation.)

And still, none of this excuses the lives I didn’t live. I was twelve and stuck at home while my friends rode in circles around and through the town. I was nineteen on New Year’s ‘99, eating pizza in a living room and holding hands woith the wrong boy when I could’ve been out laughing with my friends, meeting new people. At twenty-three, I sat in a gray Manhattan office staring at the brick wall across the street, while my dreams were dancing through the Rockies. I spent hours of my adolescence scared and pasted against a wall as the music pounded all around me. For years, I let my insecurities rule out so many new friends, so many adventures.

This isn’t about regret. Regret is futile. I can’t change any of this. I can only take something from it all and move forward. And I take this:

The things of which I am most afraid are often the same things I most desire and the things that will make my life come alive. When my heart starts to pound inside of me, when I imagine my own anxieties as everyone else’s judgments, when I feel my voice beginning to fade away, I know I’m on to something good. It’s still difficult, but I’m learning to ignore that persistent clawing inside of me and just go for it.

Tzvi!

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 17:46:31 -0400

Tzvi!

And in the end, there is nothing but the flutter of a blue dress, the feel of your mother’s...

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 19:57:00 -0400

And in the end, there is nothing but the flutter of a blue dress, the feel of your mother’s hand, the sand scorch beneath your feet, the sound of the Atlantic hitting once and hitting again.

There is nothing but the weight of the pail, the grainy surface of castle after castle, the wet fabric of a bathing suit clinging itchy against you, the lacquer of strands across your forehead, the cold touch of a shell pressed to your ear where the whirr of the ocean lives and will never leave.

"The definition of ‘talent’ is ‘enjoying practice’"

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 21:42:02 -0400

“The definition of ‘talent’ is ‘enjoying practice’”

- @BurningDan (via ronen-v)

5-year-old niece: Auntie Rachel, are you married?

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 15:28:00 -0400

5-year-old niece: Auntie Rachel, are you married?
Me: No.
5-year-old niece: Oh, so then you're the youngest?
Me: No, I'm the oldest.
5-year-old niece: But how can that be?
6-year-old niece: Sometimes it is that way.

Conversation (via rachadler2003)

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 15:25:32 -0400

Conversation (via rachadler2003)

Hell’s Kitchen (via rachadler2003)

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 16:56:42 -0400

Hell’s Kitchen (via rachadler2003)

I wore this back brace 23 hours a day, every day, for two years...

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 11:51:46 -0400

I wore this back brace 23 hours a day, every day, for two years (from when I was 12 to 14).

These were the most torturous, insecure years of my life. Still, even after I had the corrective scoliosis surgery that rendered the back brace unnecessary, I kept it. Throwing it out seemed wrong — like I was throwing out the embodiment of all that those years meant.

Parting with it now is a lot easier. I’ve come a long way in these sixteen years and I don’t need a physical reminder of the lessons I learned during that time. They’re part of the way I live my life. But when my parents asked if they could throw it away, all I could think about was that big, clunky metal and plastic object occupying space in some landfill.

There has to be a way to recycle it, I thought. An hour of research and I found it.

This organization is amazing, people. They’re called A Leg To Stand On (ALTSO) and they take old medical supplies (back braces and beyond!) and use the materials to make prosthetic limbs for people in other countries who need them. How incredibly awesome is that?

So now my back brace, the instrument of so much pain and torture in my life, is being used to help make other people’s lives better. So friggin cool.

If you have anything that can be donated, contact them!

Decade

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 09:38:00 -0400

It’s strange to remember ten years ago — how insecure and unsure I was about myself and my value.

Why?

Me, at Arches National Park (via rachadler2003)

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:38:54 -0400

Me, at Arches National Park

(via rachadler2003)

One day you just kind of figure it out

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:36:55 -0400

That it’s all bullshit.

All those rules others taught you from day one - the Authors you MUST read, the fashion gods that shall be listened to, the right sentence structures, how to be a girl, how to be a good girl, what “bad” and “good” mean anyway.

[…]

But one day, wandering in some field or some city street - the sky will open a peek of sun through and dance the whole landscape into technicolor. And you’ll look all around your world and you’ll see yourself, how alive and real and wild you are…

And you’ll want to scream it, “But I’m alive now! And I want to live!”

From there, you’ll either take the reigns or you won’t. It’s your choice.

It comes to this. There are only a few real rules - to eat, to drink, to make yourself and life into your own art, to help others do the same (in their own way) with theirs.

Everything else is waste.

(In keeping with the theme.) People here are pretty opinionated...

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 10:56:00 -0400

(In keeping with the theme.)

People here are pretty opinionated about New York, apparently.

I maintain that New York loves me, maybe even more than I love it. ;-)

(via rachadler2003)

It feels good to be alive today.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 09:56:00 -0400

I’ve had over a month (almost solid) of guests — from New York, New Jersey, New Orleans; passing through as they bike across America to Oregon, drive across America to Burningman…

And so a summer has happened. I’ve been in Boulder for three months.

I’ve travelled to Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Southern Utah (one of the most beautiful places I’ve been in my life), Wyoming.

I’ve hiked through Rocky Mountain & Arches & Canyon National Parks, as well as an abundance of local trails.

I’ve biked at least three times a week and can now do the fifteen miles to and from the Canyon with only one stop.

I’ve written three chapters of a book.

I’ve met so many amazing people.

And, at thirty, I feel healthier than I’ve felt in a long time.

Van Gogh action figure (via rachadler2003) As seen in Empire, CO...

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 20:33:00 -0400

Van Gogh action figure (via rachadler2003)

As seen in Empire, CO (home to the original Hard Rock Cafe!)

piggies at the Boulder County Fair (via rachadler2003) For...

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 20:30:04 -0400

piggies at the Boulder County Fair (via rachadler2003)

For Ronen. (“You’re going to the county fair? Buy a pig!” They were everywhere. I didn’t want to buy one, but perhaps you can buy one when you get here and take it to Burning Man?)

(via rachadler2003) Dude on the Chatauqua trails. He said he...

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 20:27:26 -0400

(via rachadler2003)

Dude on the Chatauqua trails.

He said he lived in New York for two years.

It’s a funny shirt, but I wished I could show him my New York.

On top of Miller Rock (via rachadler2003) There are these...

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 20:25:51 -0400

On top of Miller Rock (via rachadler2003)

There are these places, all within short driving (or biking) distance of my apartment, where you can hike for an hour and suddenly arrive at somewhere so surreal, you’d honestly believe you were no longer on Earth.